Wednesday, March 5, 2014

A short personal rant!

 A Little Offended!
But Not Why You Think

I was on the phone with my 22 year old son who was shocked upon discovering that an "old lady" acquaintance was only 45years . He thought that she must be in her 60's at least! Secretly gloating and fishing for a compliment, I said, " See, I don't look too bad for 48, do 1?? To which he replied, " Mom, you don't count! You do all that Botox!" Ok, now I am offended...! But not for the reasons that you might normally think.

Does he really think that all I do is a little Botox here and there like popping in for a Slurpee at the 7-Eleven when the mood strikes?! I am here to say that I bust my behind to look like this...I'm no beauty queen, but I'm alright so to speak.  Come on now y'all, I'm past the enhancing stage and am now in the preserving stage and it's painful, expensive, and time-consuming. Botox! if it were only that easy.

Let's start at the top with the hair. I love the girls who when complimented say, "Oh, it's nothing, I just washed it." Well,  good for you...I, on the other hand, have to regularly cut, color, condition, blow dry, hot roll, and plaster down with Aqua Net just to look ok for about 10 minutes in this humidity. "Quick! Take my picture before my hair falls," should be tattooed on my forehead.

The face, clearly not the one that launched a 1000 ships, but a good solid above average requires a lot of very specific attention.  Here's another favorite response," Oh, thank you so much! I guess I just got the good genes. My Mother didn't have any wrinkles either." Oh my Gosh! Here's a news flash, better to just say thank you and move on! They might as well say,  "Bless your Heart, you look old as hell!" Yes, I have had Botox but let's talk about all the other stuff! If it's offered and does not involve surgery, then I've tried it.  You might be thinking, Wow! She's so vain, she probably thinks this song... sorry... I prefer to look at it as being a good steward of what the good Lord gave me! I've had all different kinds of Laser treatments one of which hurt so bad that even after healthy dose of a Percocet, I still had tears streaming down my face.  The treatment girl and I were both laughing because it hurt so doggone bad.  Do you like to feel like your face is on fire and then peel and itch for a week? Done it! Had all kinds of needles stuck in your face?  Done it! Had a small roller with tiny needles puncture your face multiple times? Done it! I can literally say I have shed blood for my cause!  Dermabrasion which  is much like sandpapering your face and then using a tiny little vacuum. Done it! Tiny Veins in my face zapped by a Dr. who I swear was reading the directions because it was so new! Done it!

 If it's new and perhaps not quite FDA approved in this country then it calls my name like a Siren. In The Odyssey, I would have been the sailor who jumped and drowned in the sea if the Sirens were singing about new beauty treatments! I am currently using the NEW Illumamask.  Not really sure what it is suppossed to do but I don't care...gotta try it!
You sit for 15 min a day while this shines magic age defying lights on your face.
I have used all kinds of creams, serums, scrubs, washes, toners, primers, bbs, cc's and currently a bleach that I am fairly certain is banned in some countries. My routine in the morning involves scrubbing my face with a battery operated device which is supposed to be infinitely better than a wash cloth. I don't know how we made it all those years without it. It has a built in guilt device that secretly disapproves of you when you don't pull it out. My brush keeps getting black and I lost the directions so I pretend I don't see it darkening and pray everyday that I don't get botulism or fungus and defeat all my hard work. After I scrub, I have a 5 step process of creams, sprays and lotions that must be done twice a day. And guess what? I haven't even put on any make-up yet and already I'm exhausted. Oh, shoot! I left out eye cream.
 But  alas, my dear darling first born spawn thinks that I look pretty good cuz I did all that Botox!

Rant Part two coming soon!